Evolution of a first line.

(Crossposted from Jennifer Brozek)

This the evolution of the first line of my newest Karen Wilson Chronicles background story. I don't know if the last version of the sentence is the final version but I'm happy with it right now.


The meeting place was a large, unnatural boulder. (Too passive.)

They met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder. (Active. Better but who is “they”?)

The Grey Lady and Sees-the-Wind met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder.  (Good. Who is meeting but why?)

The Grey Lady and Sees-the-Wind met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder on the anniversary of the Pact.  (Better but… meh.)

The Grey Lady and Sees-the-Wind met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder that marked the beginning of the Pact between the Makah tribe and the Fair Folk. (Great. Who, where, why, culture.)