Post Con Letter

[jennifer_brozek]

This is an email I set to someone who contacted me after GenCon about writing for me. This is a person I barely know and only know from GenCon. The interaction happened in a Writer Symposium room just between panels. I was up at the front, preparing for the next panel. There were about 50 attendees in the room.

This is not a letter I should have had to write and, honestly, I'm still pissed about it. But, I did write it and I hope that this writer gets the message on how to act towards people in the industry.

Hello [Censored],

I am feeling better. However, I feel I need to say a couple of things to you.

You did not interact with me in a professional manner and that bothers me. Whether or not the convention is a fun hobby for you, it is part of my job. Not accepting me telling you stop kissing my hand is completely unprofessional and out of line. More than one person noticed and more than one person commented to me about it later.

Also, on a completely personal level, I am angry that you completely disregarded my answer of why you should stop kissing my hand of "Because I'm married." with a flippant "So?" This disrespect for me, my husband and my marriage makes me furious. It should not happen. The response to "Because I'm married." is not "So?" it is to nod, step back and offer an apology.

I know you did not mean anything by your actions but they were inappropriate, especially in that setting. Should we meet again, I expect you to accord me the same respect you would any other business peer.

Thank you,
Jennifer

Comments

[ivan23.livejournal.com]

Ooof. That's really unfortunate - hope it all shakes out OK in the end.

[boymonster.livejournal.com]

Jerk.

[jesshartley.livejournal.com]

Wow.
Yeah, that's a clear not-okay situation.

[eddyfate.livejournal.com]

That's right up there with people asking my wife if my roommate and I "share" her. Because people are awesome.

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

So did he kiss Jay Lake's hand next?

Not a cool guy at all.

[zenethian.livejournal.com]

I would expect at least a very friendly-flirtatious hand kiss at something like a renaissance festival where people were having fun in character, but not at a convention where you're trying to have a professional relationship with someone, and certainly not to the point where you told them to stop and they didn't. That's absurd, and you're much kinder than I would have been about it. I hope that the issue is resolved, or at the very least, that you don't have to deal with this guy again.

[cuddlycthulhu.livejournal.com]

*blink*

Ah, conventions where too many people make the assumption that physical boundaries are lowered and polyamory is rampant.

[saraphina-marie.livejournal.com]

Wow.
So to carry on in such a manner and then to ask to write for you. Priceless.
He definitely made a memorable impression, just not the kind he should have.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Um. Hope we get into geographic proximity and I can get us both rather large beers and I can tell you what happened with Jay Schwartz that sent me retiring from both the convention chair for Leap Con and ever having a thing to do with him again.

Why yes, it DID have something to do with both us being married - to OTHER PEOPLE - at the time. Funny, that.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I wish I could be surprised. I really, really do. *sigh*

[eyezofwolf.livejournal.com]

Obviously that person has not learned that not all reputations are good ones to make... There are reasons why you do NOT want to be remembered.

[tenzil.livejournal.com]

Well who knows if that was what they were really thinking. Male gamers who have no idea what behavior is appropriate are rampant.

[mariadkins.livejournal.com]

:sigh:

[filamena.livejournal.com]

You should have removed your hand and slapped him with it. He crossed the line, you'd just be reintroducing him to it.

[cuddlycthulhu.livejournal.com]

I speak only from personal experience; in the Bay Area, with the cons I'm at, there seems to be an assumption of polyamory and availability.

To be fair, you should take out the gender qualifier there; I've seen just as many female gamers behaving badly too.

[oakthorne.livejournal.com]

This.

Boundaries between people - like nations - should be enforced first with diplomacy, then with violence.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

You demonstrate enviable restraint. I would have slapped him with that hand and then worked very hard not to punch him with the other.

Your letter makes the point better.

[markdeniz.livejournal.com]

That's really rather silly and I think your response is warranted. I also think it's good because he might just learn from it.

[markdeniz.livejournal.com]

And that icon is the business!

[mariadkins.livejournal.com]

thanks ROFL it's my favorite - right next to my "fear the spork!" one

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

Wow. How incredibly unprofessional.

[billzilla.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's a little creepy and stalker-like. Hopefully this letter will straighten him out.

B.

[mlvwrites.livejournal.com]

While this isn't cool it happened, I'm glad that you emailed this person with a very appropriate response.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Okay, so for me the fail is not his response to your question of why he should stop kissing your hand. The fail is that he asked at all. Because, "Stop [doing physical thing to me]," should be answered with, "Okay, I'm sorry, I won't do it again," not, "Why?" WHY? Because it is my body and not your body and I told you not to AND THAT IS ALL THE WHY YOU NEED.

[jennifer-brozek.livejournal.com]

You are right. He should have stopped when I told him to and not asked why. I would have reacted stronger if I had not been in a professional setting and needed to keep my cool for my professional reputation and for the sanity of my husband. He saw the look on my face and came charging but by then I had defused the situation. I'm glad of that. Slapping the man or having my husband punch him would not have done me or my husband any good in that situation. Thus, I defused it and responded like I did in email when he contacted me.

But, I know, I should never have had to get to the point of saying stop because I'm married. He finally stopped when I said something along the lines of "I don't like what you're doing. Let go."

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, I am not one of those advocating hitting him right away. In a professional setting you have to try the Icy Polite Voice first.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

The fact that you asked him to stop should have been enough!

Sigh. Some people need a clue-by-four, applied with vigor!

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

P.S. I suspect my responding e-mail would have added that after he blatantly ignored my wishes about my personal boundaries, I'd have to think his story would win a Hugo before even considering working with him professionally. You were much nicer than that!

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

But an assumption of availability/polyamory/free-flirting only means the initial approach could have been made with good intentions by someone who intended to show polite flattery by his behavior. And that he likely did not realize that the recipient of said behavior was not part of the same subculture, and would not view hand kissing as polite flattery.

It does not in any way condone continuing to take liberties with someone's person after they say "stop".

[cuddlycthulhu.livejournal.com]

Depends. I've seen a number of people who made the assumption that if someone was polyamorous, kinky, pagan, what have you, that because they were any part of those subcultures, or simply assumed that they were part of those subcultures based on the fact that they were at a convention, that violating a person's personal space was ok.

Whether or not it was meant in good faith, a violation still occured. I once had a woman I didn't know smack me with her newly purchased flogger because she heard me talking with a friend about a kinky subject while we were standing in the booth. Sure, she probably meant it to be playful, maybe flirtatious, and was not in fact asserting herself as my dominant in that situation, but that does not change the fact she overstepped herself.

It does not in any way condone continuing to take liberties with someone's person after they say "stop".

I completely agree.

[fixerbard.livejournal.com]

That's just uncool on so many levels.

Most of which have already been covered by your readership.

My sympathies.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm not saying it's always OK, in any of those subcultures. I'm just saying he might have thought it was OK.

More likely, he's socially challenged, as so many fans are, and either didn't think or doesn't get it. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, when I can.

[cuddlycthulhu.livejournal.com]

I'm just saying he might have thought it was OK

I understand. Regardless, his actions, whatever his intentions, were still offensive (obviously).

But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, when I can.

Then you're a better person than I. 8)

[shaharazad.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear. Gynn experienced this sort of behavior at a con last year (although without any physical contact involved; just the same attitude that "I'm married" was a meaningless statement). Sorry some people are such dicks.

[eddyfate.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I have access to a staggering amount of outrage.

[cuddlycthulhu.livejournal.com]

The polyamory reference is in regards to the idea why the guy said "So?" was because he figured that Jen was poly and therefore it didn't matter if her husband was around or would be upset by his antics.

I've also seen poly used as an excuse for behaving poorly at other conventions, where the person assumed that A) the person they were behaving badly to was poly and B) that, whether or not they were poly, because they assumed they were that somehow made it OK to behave badly.

[stormgreywarden.livejournal.com]

Seconded!